07 April 2015
"My life has had so many influences, and all of them have worked together to make me who I am right now. Being from an upper middle class family, finding the good kind of company at the most impressionable age, personal trysts with different sets of religious beliefs and lack thereof, bullying in school, exploring my identity, battling depression, and so much more that I've been unconscious of; all this has shattered one belief and replaced it with another. And I know this will continue to happen all through my life.
I do suffer from depression, and writing this will not change that surely. But I do know it won't hurt to try. And maybe it'll get me out of my funk for a while. So here goes...
- I like my nails. Never had a manicure or whatever, but they still look damn fine! Especially my ring finger nails.
- My arms look really nice, even with all the excess hair. I wish I could cuddle with myself just to feel my arms.
- The way I put my feet on the ground as I walk. Whenever I get conscious of them I feel like an angel walking on clouds.
- My handwriting, and the way it changes according to my mood.
- My palms, and how they are warm when I need them to be.
- I love how food makes me feel; how it's so distracting, yet reassuring.
- I love how I automatically switch to looking at things emotionally/spiritually.
- How my mind shows me hidden lessons in the simplest of things.
- The way I rub my face when I’m tired. How it makes me feel cannot be described.
- The way I observe my body as I go around doing random stuff.
- The way my heart beats when I’m anxious. I swear I can see my shirt move with every heart beat.
- I love that babies and animals come to me and feel safe and happy. Half of my family and friends are jealous when I pick up kids and they're happy. Dogs just need to be petted once by my hands and they sit right in front of me for the entire time I’m there.
- The way people look at me when I’m speaking on something I know. Makes me want to laugh and pinch their cheeks.
- How people can't make up their mind on whether I’m fat or skinny is amusing
- The way my legs glow after a bath never seems to confuse yet amuse me.
- The way it feels when I need love. The way I just scrunch up, literally and figuratively, for a few second when I want to know love and care.
- How almost every emotion has a physical manifestation in my body. Makes it so much easier to know what I’m feeling.
- I absolutely adore myself when I’m concerned about my friends.
- It is absolutely wonderful how I can walk up to all my close friends and hug them. Also, special mention to all those who have learned to just go with it and not ask questions.
- The way I get emotional watching movies. I look absolutely adorable when I tear up watching English Vinglish.
- I love my anger, because it has kept me alive through the worst years of my life.
- I love how I can channel my anger to work for betterment of society, even if at this moment it's mere slacktivism.
- The way my toes twitch when I’m cold.
- The way I shake when I occasionally cry in my dreams. Sure, feels bad when you're dreaming, but feels pretty awesome when you think about it after waking up.
- I like how I’m always ready to listen to people's problems. Kind of makes me wish I was a psychologist in disguise so I could offer better and more fruitful advice without them having to go through the anxiety of thinking they need a psychologist.
- The way my aim in life keeps changing. People might say it's bad, but I know it means I’m made for so much more. So I’m gonna do it all. B-)
- The way I am constantly aware of my need to find fulfillment, as well as where I’m going to find it.
- I love how I’m always on the internet trying to learn more and more stuff.
- I advice people on their relationships and emotional issues, and they're always better off when they listen to me.
- My eyes pop out when I take a selfie. People say my eyes are attractive. I guess they're more prominent than what the norm is. I love that. Makes me feel like a God! :)
- I love how I can think and end up with different interpretations to the same stories and anecdotes.
- I’m ready to break free from the crowd, and in so many ways I have. But what I especially like is how my rebelliousness doesn't violate my comfort.
- I like how I’m comfortable with anything and everything.
- The way I realize I’m not comfortable with ignorance, hatred, bigotry and injustice.
- I like how I chose for myself what my core principals will be.
- I especially like how I defend those principals, but they're not set in stone.
- I love how easy it is for my mind to work with metaphors, I guess that could be a reason why I end up with less common interpretations of religion/spirituality.
- I define my worth by the number of lives I've made a positive difference in, and I shall always admire myself for that.
- I am amused by the way I keep saying I’m angry at my family but can't act on the anger in the least, because their conditioning and notions are just too evident to me.
- The way people's emotions and intentions are easily apparent to me is a boon. I don't know if I deserve it, but I’m glad I have it.
- I love how I am overwhelmed by emotion every day ending with a y. like I’m a rock on the bank of an ocean of emotion, and the waves keep coming and hitting me, submerging me for a while. And I love how the rock always emerges effortlessly, every time a tiny bit smoother than before.
- I love how I can choose to take a dip in the ocean of emotion whenever I choose to.
- I love the way I bring up tiny pearls and conches every time I take that plunge.
- I love how I walk with those pearls and conches. How I am eager to show to the world what the ocean we all have access to has in store for us, and how all we need to do is search its belly.
- I love how I observe and scrutinize people before declaring them my best friends. I have a million friends. But only those whom I’ve spent time with, watched, scrutinized and then found to be good people get to know my deeper stuff.
- I love how I can be friends with anyone (except toxic or ignorant people), provided they take most of the effort in maintaining the friendship.
- I love how I always want to feel connected to the Goddess, and how I keep forgetting that the observer and the observed are not different.
- I am ready to let go of desires that will hurt others.
- I like how I’m always in emotional pain, and how I use that pain as a reminder about what my fight is about.
- I like my fear of prosecution for being ifferent, because that gives me the guts to shake off my chains and attack the army of demons with all my grit and cunning.
- I like how I have kept my promise of never seeking fake or conditioned love. The way I value myself, body, soul and all, is what has propelled me to where I am today, and that promise is what will continue pushing me forward. Pursuit of love, acceptance and appreciation is what has driven me, and imitations or conditioned alms will never be good enough."
Leanontree: We decided to simply introduce the post, and let it take its own course. We thank you, Saksham, for speaking about depression, and self-love! It's incredible - the infinite potential of a human heart to love...to feel...to brave pain and to continue. We hope you find your peace in the moments of utter distress and chaos. That you wake up one morning, and you realize that you are a profound expression of Love.. infinite, vast, all-encompassing love. Thank you, for attempting this! Keep loving yourself...and even though there is darkness all around, try looking for the light, Always!