ISN’T VALENTINE’S WEEK THE HARDEST OF SOLITARY WANDERERS? AS YOU EASE YOURSELF INTO READING THIS POST, WE SUGGEST YOU MAY JUST SURRENDER COMFORTABLY NOW. ENJOY THIS BI-LINGUAL POST IN WHICH THE NARRATOR RETURNS HOME TO EMPTINESS AND FINALLY STRIKES A CONVERSATION WITH OUR ONE TRUE COMPANION, LIFE IN ITSELF. READ THE HINDI PART, SINCE THE POST WAS ORIGINALLY WRITTEN IN A MIX OF HINDI & URDU. THE SAME HAS BEEN TRANSLATED FOR OUR ENGLISH-CENTRIC READERS.

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ज़िन्दगी,

एक कमी सी है. जब घर तनहा लौटता हूँ, जब एक अकेला बिस्तर ही सिर्फ राह तांक रहा होता है मेरी, इस कमी का एहसास और भी ज़्यादा हो जाता है. तलब सी उठती है एक. की खरीद ही लून साथ किसी का. एक रात तोह सुकून की नसीब होगी आखिर. पर ज़मीर की चीख के आगे ठम्म सा जाता हूँ.

वक़्त है, गुज़र जायेगा.

तकलीफ बस तब तक की है जब तलक दम्म नहीं निकलता. उसके बाद तो खुदा के दर पर ही जाना है. वहीँ भेंट होगी सनम से, जहाँ कोई अपना पराया नहीं है. पर ये ख्याल भी मन बहलाने के लिए काफी नहीं है ग़ालिब. बास एक साथ ही तो माँगा है, कौनसे कोई दो जहां मांग लिए हो? क्या इतनी कमज़ोर है भक्ति मेरी, या किस्मत में ही नहीं है कोई ख़ुशी? जो दिया तूने ज़िन्दगी, जो भी दिया, उसे मुकम्मल हंस के निभाया है. बाप का साया नहीं, न सही, माँ का भी सहारा ही बना हूँ मैं. हमेशा अपने आस पास के लोगो को, जिनको भी तूने भेजा मेरी ओर, उन्हें बस ख़ुशी ही देनी चाहि है.

फिर कमी रहे कहाँ गयी? जवाब तो दे. इतनी बुज़दिल तो ना थी तू कभी ज़िन्दगी.

एक मर्तबा आ, मिलते हैं. चाये अच्छी बना लेता हूँ अब मैं. कुछ बातें करते हैं. तेरे सिवा हमनवां है ही और कौन मेरा? कभी दर्द तो कभी दोस्त बनके, तू ही तो साथ रही है मेरे. सच भी तू, माया भी तू ही है. तो फिर ये दूरी कैसी? डर मत, इलज़ाम नहीं लगाउँगा तुझपे. सवाल भी नहीं करूँगा. चाये की चुस्कियां और एक शाम जो तन्हा ना हो. इतना तोह मांग ही सकता हूँ ना मैं?

प्यार सा हो गया है तुझसे ज़िन्दगी.

जैसे मानो सन्नाटे और वीरानीयत का अनकहा अनदेखा रिश्ता. दर्द में भी तेरे अब हंसी आती है मुझे. लगता है जैसे की कोई सख्त हेडमास्टर पाठ पढ़ा रहा हो. अच्छा शागिर्द हूँ ना मैं तेरा? कभी उफ़ तक नहीं करूँगा. पर, मिल तोह सही कभी. छोटा सा घर है, पर तेरे लिए जगह काफी है. और है ही कौन मेरा?

तू ठुकराएगी नहीं मुझे, जानता हूँ इतना तोह. शायद कुछ ज़्यादा ही मोहब्बत है तुझे मुझसे. इसलिए किसी और को टिकने ही नहीं देती है तू यहां. तो कसूर उनका भी नहीं है फिर. शिकवा ही क्यों करूँ मैं?

तेरे लिए सजने का मन करता है अब.

तेरे ही दिये हुए शब्दों में पिरूही ये कविता ओढ़ने चाहता हूँ मैं. बाकी सब फीका, बेरंग मालूम होता है अब मुझे. घर से बाहर निकलूंगा मैं अब. Scooty की टंकी भी फुल करवा ली है. जिस राह बोलेगी, मुड़ जाऊंगा. जहां तू मिले बेबाक और खुल के बात कर सके, उसी डगर मोड़ लियु मुझ आवारा राही को.

तुझसे बेर रख के देख लिया, तुझसे दूर रह कर देख लिया. जब तू ही अपनी है तोह फिर ये फासला कैसा?

रिहाई चाहिए इस दुनिया से अब मुझे. तू दे सकी तोह दे दियु. नहीं तोह कोई बात नहीं. चाये तोह अछि बनानी लग गया हूँ मैं. जीना भी जल्द ही सीख जाऊंगा. और तू तो रहेगी ही ना. मेरी सख्त हेडमास्टर, मेरी हमनवा…

ज़िन्दगी!

English Translation

Dear Life,

There is something missing. Each time I return home to an empty bed, I am acutely reminded of the fact that there is something missing indeed. I am haunted by the silences and the empty spaces. So what is the way out? Is this the night I finally settle down for the company of a whore, I wonder. But the shreds of my existence, the ones that can still summon up the remains of my conscience tethers at the very thought of it. And so I lay here in this empty bed, conquered yet unquenched.

This too shall pass, right?

Suffering won’t last longer than my time on the face of this earth. And the life beyond awaits my arrival once I should reduce to ashes. Perhaps I would find love there, in a land far above and beyond the realms of right-doing and wrong-doing. But Dear Rumi, oh poet friend of mine, even this thought isn’t enough to rescue me from the melancholy. After all, what is it that I have asked for? A touch of sincere companionship? Is my pleas so weak? Or am I just too jinxed to find happiness at all?

Whatever you have thrown at me, Dear Life, I have tried to live it with a smile on. You snatched away the father from a teenage boy, I didn’t complain. I made myself hard enough to support myself and my now incomplete mother. Wherever you took me, Dear Life, I tried my best to only spread laughter and cheer.

Then where the fuck did I fall short? Answer me! You aren’t a goddamn coward, Dear Life, are you?

Come, for once, let’s meet. I have finally learnt how to prepare good tea you know? Come, let’s talk. You know I haven’t got anyone else to talk to anyway. You are the only one who has always been with me, disguising sometimes as my friends, sometimes as pain. You are the only truth and the only mirage that I know of. Then why are you so distant? So away from me?

Don’t be afraid Dear Life. I would neither accuse nor question you for suffering at the hands of all the treacheries of times. Whatever happened, happened. Come, let’s enjoy some tea and biscuits, and perhaps then I’d get to spend one evening a little less lonely. Hey, c’mon, I at least deserve that much? Yeah?

I think I have sort of fallen in love with you, Dear Life.

Perhaps like an unseen, unheard bond shared between silences and abandonment. Such a masochist I have become over the times. The pain you give me feels more like pleasure. You appear like a strict teacher, resolute at making me learn the lessons. Am I a good student of yours, Dear Life? I would try never to squirm at the hardships you put me though in order to learn. But, let’s meet sometime. I have a small humble home, but there is enough space…for you, for me, for us to exist together.

I know you will meet me someday. I know you cannot abandon me. I think you love me a little bit more than I love you. Is that why you are so possessive and territorial? Can’t stand the sight of someone else sharing these empty spaces with me. Ah! This sounds so much like my sort of love. Territorial and forever! Then why shall I complaint, right?

I feel like getting all dressed up for you!

I want to lay naked underneath the poem I weaved with the words that you taught me. The charms of the common world don’t tempt me any longer.

Okay enough! I am stepping out of home now. Will kick my scooter to life. I have filled its tank to full. I’ll take the turns you’d guide me to. Wherever you can meet me, fearless and free, let me know. I, forever lost, forever wandering, will take that particular road.

I have tried rejecting you. I have tried avoiding you. And yet, when all is said and done, you are all I have got. Then why this animosity, right?

Let me surrender tonight. I crave Nirvana. And if you can’t give it to me, no problems. It took me years to learn how to make good tea. Will learn how to live life as well. And then there is you, my strict teacher, my companion, my forever and always, Life.

HOW ARE YOU FEELING NOW? ARE THERE ANY THOUGHTS RUNNING THROUGH YOUR MIND? GOT A WORD TO SPARE? PLEASE LET US KNOW IN THE COMMENTS SECTION BELOW. YOUR COMMENTS WILL MOTIVATE US TO KEEP COMING UP WITH EMOTIONALLY NAKED AND HONEST BLOG POSTS. TAKE CARE!